I remember a couple of years ago while still in the UK (now Aarhus) my son’s football team had a “silent support” week (once a season throughout the FA grassroots programmes). You could politely clap but nothing else during the match, and without exception all the kids said they preferred playing that way!
I’m not a parent and I’ve observed coworkers, friends, and family put their kids in every sport imaginable as early as possible. These kids (and their parents) seem to have zero unscheduled time which to me seems to be deleterious. When does the kid just play? Or read for the joy of it? Or just daydream? When do the parents get downtime from all of the travel leagues?
I’m in the U.S. and now more than ever I feel like I don’t belong because of the hyper-competitiveness (amongst other things). I think the Nordic countries might suit me better.
It is an ongoing dilemma all over - from speaking to teachers all over, many have explained that the extra curricular epidemic is fuelled by the fact that sport and the arts are often sadly squeezed out of the curriculum
As someone on the receiving end of a tirade of abuse from a parent about my nonchalant attitude to Sports Day (I was a School Governor so apparently should have been fully behind it), your words have a definite ring of truth. My nephew is a football ref (he chose that instead of football at 14 ) and the abuse he receives at junior matches is atrocious. Football does seem to have a more tribal and overly competitive atmosphere. I was relieved my son chose cricket in the end. Much more civilised. And opponents take the piss out of each other which is much more British.
As a PE teacher I have had a fair amount of abuse from parents both about not keeping the best players on the pitch and about not letting their child (who was not a particularly talented player) play the whole match. Running the line at a tag rugby tournament where we were severely out-classed by some serious rugby playing schools was the worst though. Parents encroaching on the pitch where I needed to be able to see what was going on and some vitriolic abuse about my capabilities as a teacher!
When I suggested that Sports Day should be about taking part in sport not sitting watching other children race I was not popular either. However, after the event, when every child had enjoyed taking part in about 20 varied activities and only had to sit through the sprint finals, it was declared a success.
I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your latest piece. You’ve captured something that I’ve seen play out so many times on the touchline—parents living vicariously through their children, often with a level of intensity that borders on tragic. The disappointment on the faces of kids who are never quite "good enough" is heart-wrenching.
It reminded me of that infamous rugby video from the UK—the one where a posh dad on the sideline literally sticks out a leg to trip an opposing player sprinting down the wing. While some found it hilarious, I thought it was deeply disturbing. It was a stark illustration of how some parents see their child’s sporting success as their own, completely losing sight of what sport is actually meant to be about.
Your comparison with Denmark was fascinating. The psychology of good parenting in sport is something I’ve thought about a lot, and I do think the Danes have got it right. Research backs this up—one study in Psychology of Sport and Exercise found that children with parents who emphasise enjoyment and effort over winning are significantly more likely to continue playing sports into adulthood. By contrast, those who experience constant pressure and criticism are far more likely to drop out entirely, often associating sport with stress rather than joy.
Watching the Beckham documentary also got me thinking. The relentless pressure David Beckham faced from his father clearly shaped him into one of the greatest footballers of all time—but at what cost? His psychological tics, particularly his obsessive cleaning, suggest a need for control that may well stem from the high expectations drilled into him from a young age. Success, but with a side order of compulsions.
So where’s the balance? Your blog raises such an important question. Perhaps the true win isn’t in creating elite athletes but in raising kids who enjoy sport enough to keep moving, keep playing, and keep smiling long after the parental shouting has stopped.
Thanks for another brilliant read—looking forward to next week’s!
It's so interesting how you explore the differences between life in Denmark and the UK, highlighting the best aspects of each of your experiences. Kids and parents can learn a kit with sports.
Every time I read your posts, I reflect on the kind of parent I’d like to be (and sometimes, what I’m doing with my life, my work-life balance, having a hobby, dining with friends, and so on).
P.S. I love how you connect your ideas with studies and academic papers.
A friend of mine, U.S. American, was raising a bilingual child (English-speaking mother, French-speaking father) in the Boston, MA, area. When the child was two, the parents thought it would be good for her to go to a local bilingual kindergarten. There was an application form and on that application form was a question about the child's hobbies. My friend wrote something like "She likes to draw, and sometimes you can tell what it is. And she likes to bang on the piano, and sometimes it even sounds like music." To me she said, in disbelief, "She's two years old. She's supposed to have hobbies already?" (My friend's mother was Danish ... 😉)
It’s interesting, as my experience is a tad different to yours in the UK. It’s not exactly a country of tiger mums or dads. As a parent of 3 children in the UK I feel like this post applies more to the US. There’s most definitely a bigger nonchalance that I find in the UK regarding sports/music. Including in the rather upper middle class place I find myself in. Moreover, I find most parents to really molly coddle their little offspring which means no stress, which in turns create kids who are anything but resilient in the face of “adversity”, like mere school exams… Whereas we knew a squash coach who moved to the US with an American family (of Indian origin) who wanted their kids to excel in sports in order to increase their chances of joining an elite university. As for Denmark, as you say, they might take it to the other extreme. I remember reading the autobiography of the Danish-Ukrainian reality TV star Irina Olsen, who was brought up in a sports heavy education in order to become a professional ice skater and who had a very difficult time in Aalborg as people looked down on her for taking it so seriously and for being a lot better than everyone else, which meant she couldn’t progress like she used to.
The US/UK ‘win at all costs’ mindset is turning childhood into a pressure cooker, while Denmark seems to focus on longevity over intensity. The stat about 70% of kids quitting sports by 13 because it’s ‘not fun anymore’ is brutal. Proof that early burnout is real.
Also interesting that English Youth Football spent two years studying how to improve youth football, and just announced much smaller team sizes for younger kids, with the goal of more inclusive involvement for all players and less focus on winning traditional games.
"If the goal is to create world-class athletes, then sure - push them hard, demand perfection, and treat every under-10s football match like the World Cup."
The thing is that this approach does not work to create world-class athletes, which so many high intensity parents don't understand.
There was a recent post that had a great summary:
An analysis of over 6,000 athletes explored what separates athletes who reached world class and those who came up short.
Those who reached world-class had during their youth:
• More multi-sport than specialized practice
• Started their primary sport later
• Accumulated less overall formal practice
• Initially progressed slower than national class peers
Those who performed well when young, but didn't progress:
• Started their primary sport earlier
• Specialized, engaging in more practice in one sport
I remember a couple of years ago while still in the UK (now Aarhus) my son’s football team had a “silent support” week (once a season throughout the FA grassroots programmes). You could politely clap but nothing else during the match, and without exception all the kids said they preferred playing that way!
That’s very telling! Interesting, thanks so much for sharing
I’m not a parent and I’ve observed coworkers, friends, and family put their kids in every sport imaginable as early as possible. These kids (and their parents) seem to have zero unscheduled time which to me seems to be deleterious. When does the kid just play? Or read for the joy of it? Or just daydream? When do the parents get downtime from all of the travel leagues?
I’m in the U.S. and now more than ever I feel like I don’t belong because of the hyper-competitiveness (amongst other things). I think the Nordic countries might suit me better.
It is an ongoing dilemma all over - from speaking to teachers all over, many have explained that the extra curricular epidemic is fuelled by the fact that sport and the arts are often sadly squeezed out of the curriculum
As someone on the receiving end of a tirade of abuse from a parent about my nonchalant attitude to Sports Day (I was a School Governor so apparently should have been fully behind it), your words have a definite ring of truth. My nephew is a football ref (he chose that instead of football at 14 ) and the abuse he receives at junior matches is atrocious. Football does seem to have a more tribal and overly competitive atmosphere. I was relieved my son chose cricket in the end. Much more civilised. And opponents take the piss out of each other which is much more British.
Thanks for sharing Gill
As a PE teacher I have had a fair amount of abuse from parents both about not keeping the best players on the pitch and about not letting their child (who was not a particularly talented player) play the whole match. Running the line at a tag rugby tournament where we were severely out-classed by some serious rugby playing schools was the worst though. Parents encroaching on the pitch where I needed to be able to see what was going on and some vitriolic abuse about my capabilities as a teacher!
When I suggested that Sports Day should be about taking part in sport not sitting watching other children race I was not popular either. However, after the event, when every child had enjoyed taking part in about 20 varied activities and only had to sit through the sprint finals, it was declared a success.
Good grief I’m sorry to hear about the abuse from parents - sure the increasingly individualistic culture can’t help
This was almost 20 years ago but I can’t imagine it’s improved much since then.
Hi Helen,
I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your latest piece. You’ve captured something that I’ve seen play out so many times on the touchline—parents living vicariously through their children, often with a level of intensity that borders on tragic. The disappointment on the faces of kids who are never quite "good enough" is heart-wrenching.
It reminded me of that infamous rugby video from the UK—the one where a posh dad on the sideline literally sticks out a leg to trip an opposing player sprinting down the wing. While some found it hilarious, I thought it was deeply disturbing. It was a stark illustration of how some parents see their child’s sporting success as their own, completely losing sight of what sport is actually meant to be about.
Your comparison with Denmark was fascinating. The psychology of good parenting in sport is something I’ve thought about a lot, and I do think the Danes have got it right. Research backs this up—one study in Psychology of Sport and Exercise found that children with parents who emphasise enjoyment and effort over winning are significantly more likely to continue playing sports into adulthood. By contrast, those who experience constant pressure and criticism are far more likely to drop out entirely, often associating sport with stress rather than joy.
Watching the Beckham documentary also got me thinking. The relentless pressure David Beckham faced from his father clearly shaped him into one of the greatest footballers of all time—but at what cost? His psychological tics, particularly his obsessive cleaning, suggest a need for control that may well stem from the high expectations drilled into him from a young age. Success, but with a side order of compulsions.
So where’s the balance? Your blog raises such an important question. Perhaps the true win isn’t in creating elite athletes but in raising kids who enjoy sport enough to keep moving, keep playing, and keep smiling long after the parental shouting has stopped.
Thanks for another brilliant read—looking forward to next week’s!
Warmest,
Paul
Thank you so much Paul - means a lot. And yes, I wonder where all the truly balanced mega successful people are…!
It's so interesting how you explore the differences between life in Denmark and the UK, highlighting the best aspects of each of your experiences. Kids and parents can learn a kit with sports.
Every time I read your posts, I reflect on the kind of parent I’d like to be (and sometimes, what I’m doing with my life, my work-life balance, having a hobby, dining with friends, and so on).
P.S. I love how you connect your ideas with studies and academic papers.
Thanks so much, Rafael!
A friend of mine, U.S. American, was raising a bilingual child (English-speaking mother, French-speaking father) in the Boston, MA, area. When the child was two, the parents thought it would be good for her to go to a local bilingual kindergarten. There was an application form and on that application form was a question about the child's hobbies. My friend wrote something like "She likes to draw, and sometimes you can tell what it is. And she likes to bang on the piano, and sometimes it even sounds like music." To me she said, in disbelief, "She's two years old. She's supposed to have hobbies already?" (My friend's mother was Danish ... 😉)
That's crazy! When my children were two, their main hobbies as I recall were 'smearing stuff on walls' and occassionally defecating al fresco...
It’s interesting, as my experience is a tad different to yours in the UK. It’s not exactly a country of tiger mums or dads. As a parent of 3 children in the UK I feel like this post applies more to the US. There’s most definitely a bigger nonchalance that I find in the UK regarding sports/music. Including in the rather upper middle class place I find myself in. Moreover, I find most parents to really molly coddle their little offspring which means no stress, which in turns create kids who are anything but resilient in the face of “adversity”, like mere school exams… Whereas we knew a squash coach who moved to the US with an American family (of Indian origin) who wanted their kids to excel in sports in order to increase their chances of joining an elite university. As for Denmark, as you say, they might take it to the other extreme. I remember reading the autobiography of the Danish-Ukrainian reality TV star Irina Olsen, who was brought up in a sports heavy education in order to become a professional ice skater and who had a very difficult time in Aalborg as people looked down on her for taking it so seriously and for being a lot better than everyone else, which meant she couldn’t progress like she used to.
I certainly hear eyebrow raising stories from US friends but coming from Denmark, I’m seeing a difference in the UK too
The US/UK ‘win at all costs’ mindset is turning childhood into a pressure cooker, while Denmark seems to focus on longevity over intensity. The stat about 70% of kids quitting sports by 13 because it’s ‘not fun anymore’ is brutal. Proof that early burnout is real.
Also interesting that English Youth Football spent two years studying how to improve youth football, and just announced much smaller team sizes for younger kids, with the goal of more inclusive involvement for all players and less focus on winning traditional games.
Here's the link:
https://www.englandfootball.com/futurefit
"If the goal is to create world-class athletes, then sure - push them hard, demand perfection, and treat every under-10s football match like the World Cup."
The thing is that this approach does not work to create world-class athletes, which so many high intensity parents don't understand.
There was a recent post that had a great summary:
An analysis of over 6,000 athletes explored what separates athletes who reached world class and those who came up short.
Those who reached world-class had during their youth:
• More multi-sport than specialized practice
• Started their primary sport later
• Accumulated less overall formal practice
• Initially progressed slower than national class peers
Those who performed well when young, but didn't progress:
• Started their primary sport earlier
• Specialized, engaging in more practice in one sport
• Made quicker initial progress