Why My Printer is Plotting Against Me
Tech tantrums, toner lows, Elizabethan ruffs and a grudge match going back to the 1980s. Welcome to woman vs printer
There are a few things in life guaranteed to test our patience. Call centre queues, children on sugar, traffic, finding the end of the Sellotape or looking at someone else’s holiday pictures (just for example) can unsettle even the most serene souls
Unfortunately, I am not one of the most serene souls. When serenity was being doled out, my soul was in a call centre queue, swearing at sticky tape.
I am not patient and I am not one of life’s natural ‘relaxers’ (this has been independently corroborated). Even when I try – really try – to embody one of the CP (‘calm people’), I fail. Spectacularly. I once attended an excruciating team building event when we were asked to pick an animal to embody. I pondered a dolphin. A stallion. A graceful swan (pre-‘breaking a child’s arm’ mode). But no, I was told in no uncertain terms: ‘You, Helen, give off strong…chipmunk vibes’. This was followed by a chorus of approval (‘Oh yes!’ ‘Chipmunk! Definitely!’ ‘Nailed it!’).
Now, years later, I can see where they were coming from. I am in prime chipmunk mode, tip-tapping on a laptop while rain hammers down outside. I am on a deadline. I am on a mission. I am up against my greatest adversary – a longtime foe who has bettered me on more than one occasion and is stretching my sliver of patience to its limit. I am up against my printer.
The battle of human versus printer is a feud as old as time. Or at least, as old as me, since Hewlett-Packard introduced the first inkjet home printer in the early 1980s. The grudge match began back in the Regan/Thatcher era and has been going strong ever since.
It is a truth universally accepted that printers – a so-called "convenience" of our modern digital age - have a mind of their own, particularly when you’re on a deadline. We all know how the story goes: you’re teetering on the brink of a high octane, over-caffeinated, career zenith, near vibrating with nervous energy (see: ‘chipmunk vibes’) when suddenly, that helpful little printer—whose entire job is to spit ink on a piece of paper—decides to have an existential crisis.
Here are some of the most frustrating messages that my printer has given me in the past week:
"Paper Jam": when there is no paper jam at all. I have cleared the paper, but the printer insists otherwise. It’s my word against Samsung’s.
"Out of Paper": I load paper, the printer says that there's none. The Internet tells me that this is a sensor issue, but will not – apparently - bring me tea and biscuits and stroke my hair as I ‘recalibrate’ (myself and the printer).
"Printer Offline": Despite being connected and ready, with all manner of encouraging green lights winking, the printer decides to go on strike just when I need it most.
"Cartridge Error": I install new ink and toner cartridges, but Samsung tells me that there are ‘errors’. I tell Samsung ‘I’ll give you errors…’ and scowl at it for a good ten minutes. There is a stand-off. Neither of us are prepared to back down.
"Cannot Connect to Printer": This pops up when the printer is connected to my Wi-Fi and BEING A MASSIVE BABY.
I am trying – really trying - to channel all the Danish hygge, friluftsliv, and general Scandi-level calm that I’ve spent years studying. But I won’t lie —I’m struggling.
Yesterday was one of those days. A deadline for my new book was looming large, my to-do list was spiralling, there were approximately 8,000 forms I needed to fill in for vaious items of life-admin. I just needed to be able to print a couple of them. A simple request, right? Wrong. Because my printer had other plans.
The Sh*tshow Begins
It started innocently enough—just a slight hesitation before printing the first page. I gave it the benefit of the doubt. After all, who among us hasn’t needed an extra second to get going on a wet Thursday morning? But as the minutes ticked by, it became clear that this was not going to be a smooth ride.
The printer made an awful whirring noise that I already knew was less “I’m about to print your document” and more “I’m considering eating your paper and spitting it out in a crumpled fan like an Elizabethan ruff.”
Then came the worst: the blinking red light. A single, solitary LED, winking out a message that can only be interpreted as “You think you’re in charge, but really, I run this show.”
The screen displayed a message that my toner was low.
“No, it isn’t, you utter buffoon…” I muttered. To no one. I had just replaced the toner. But the printer was adamant. It wanted a new toner cartridge or, I assumed, a blood sacrifice. Either would do.
A Love-Hate Relationship
My printer, a seemingly sentient being with a warped sense of humour, used to be a friend. A comrade. A colleague, even. As a freelancer working alone a lot, the dog and office hardware get chatted to, most days.
When it first arrived, we got along like a house on fire (or ‘a writer with a printer that worked’). For two whole books – How to Be Sad and How to Raise a Viking (The Danish Secret to Happy Kids) – we were sympatico.
Then it went rogue. There’s no reasoning with a printer. No pleading or cajoling that works. They’re the toddlers of the tech world—except you can’t bribe them with Bluey or raisins to get back on track.
At times, I’ve considered going paperless, but that’s not as easy as it sounds. There’s something about having a tangible copy of your work, seeing the words on a page, that just feels right. Plus, as a writer, I’ve developed an inexplicable attachment to the printed word. And let’s be honest, when it comes to editing, nothing beats scribbling angry notes in the margins of my own work with a red pen.
When Printers Go Bad
Yesterday was just the latest in a long-running saga. After battling with the printer for a good twenty minutes, during which I may or may not have screamed, “My toner levels are not low, my printer is a sh*thead,” I gave up. It wasn’t going to happen. I tried all the usual tricks—turning it off and on again, reloading paper, and even gently caressing it while whispering sweet nothings in its direction—but nothing worked.
That’s when I did what any self-respecting writer would do: I got in my car, drove to the nearest office supply shop and bought a new cartridge. At the checkout, the cashier gave me a sympathetic look that seemed to say, “I’ve been there. I feel your pain. If it wasn’t against company policy, I’d hug you.” We exchanged a knowing nod—the kind that only people who’ve truly experienced the soul-crushing defeat of a non-compliant printer can understand.
Back at home, cartridge installed, I pressed ‘print’ with a churning feeling of hope and dread combined. The machine whirred, chugged, and then…silence. It printed! It actually printed. I held the freshly inked page in my hands like a newborn baby, slightly damp and crinkled, precious, fragile. But there!
Lessons Learned
So, what have I learned from all this? Absolutely nothing. Because I know this isn’t the last time I’ll be battling with a printer. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe we’re supposed to find solace in the fact that, no matter how advanced technology gets, some things will always be maddeningly frustrating. And if chipmunk energy is what I have to work with, then chipmunk energy is what I have to work with. I will, henceforth, embrace my inner chipmunk.
Some days, the universe wants to test us with the most mundane and infuriating minor irritations. And on those days, I will give myself permission to rage against the machine. To swear at inanimate objects. To wail at the sky ‘why?!’ and then take a deep breath, walk away, and come back with a fresh perspective—and possibly a new cartridge.
So here’s to all of us battling with keyboards and printers today - may your toner levels be high, your pages crisp and your printers merciful. Alternatively, I’ll be bringing back the Elizabethan ruff collar for the 21st century. Like this…
Until next week,
Helen x
PS: this week I had the delight of talking to
for her fabulous podcast, all about How to Raise a Viking (The Danish Secret to Happy Kids). Listen, herePPS: did you know that tapping the heart icon helps more people to see this Substack and helps me to keep going? A totally free win-win!
There is a reason NASA didn't land a printer on the moon. Looking forward to next week. Probably.
Haha I laughed so much!! To cheer yourself up when you missed your important deadline due to a bully printer: Make a 21st century ruff collar and popcorn earings! The cashier at the office supply store will know 😥