On compromise and creativity (aka slowly losing my mind...)

Half-term hiatus, how living Danishly in the UK helps parents and what the UK could do better - plus snatches of serenity in the chaos

It’s half-term as I write, surrounded by chaos, dirty laundry and even dirtier dishes. There are half a dozen children charging around, pursued by a dog. Each demanding food (so much food, where are they putting it?). I’m juggling mini Vikings, their friends, work and unpacking boxes (still) while trying and failing to maintain some semblance of order.

Oh, and did I mention I haven’t showered yet today? (or this week…must check…).

It’s all part of the exhausting compromise of modern life, where we’re constantly balancing career, family, and everything else in between. Whether you’re a working parent or not, it often feels like we’re all doing this precarious balancing act, teetering between just enough and too much. For me, as a writer and speaker, this compromise feels particularly acute during half-term. I love my kids, but working from home with three small humans who need feeding, entertaining, and refereeing can make even the simplest of tasks feel like climbing Everest in flip-flops.

And so, today, as with every day when it gets too much, I’m turfing everyone outdoors. To fill up on friluftsliv - or free air life - Nordic style. Because everyone (myself included) feels better after running in the wind or trudging through a field or a forest for a while. Especially mornings when they look like this…

Finding My Way

I feel incredibly lucky to be able to balance family life with a career that I love. But it’s not without its challenges. There have been times when I’ve questioned whether I can juggle everything. Whether I could reconcile my need to write with the demands of parenting - and it’s an ongoing struggle.

But I can’t not do both. I write to stay sane. If I don’t: I’m not. It’s as simple as that.

I wanted a family. It took years of medical interventions and living as a human pincushion but it worked. And now I’m through the ‘caring for tiny babies’ stage and the ‘chasing delicious toddlers’ stage, I’m in the wilds of ‘actually parenting humans’.

The Nordic approach has helped massively here (I’m currently working on the How to Raise a Viking paperback edit, out in February! Or the hardback now on offer for Christmas) and I was touched to be included in this piece in Business Insider on raising resilient small people.

Life is also a good 50% simpler since teaching my children where to find ‘anytime’ snacks that they’re allowed to gorge on at all hours (vegetables and nuts mostly - I’m essentially raising squirrels) as well as how to make the basics/essentials (porridge, eggs, coffee for mum…).

Drilling in child-height hooks - everywhere - so my smalls can hang up/put away/access all their own outdoor gear and sports equipment has been another game changer. And there’s a growing tribe of mini Vikings in our small corner of the English countryside. But still: kids = chaos.

And as much as I fantasise about uninterrupted writing sessions in a quiet, sun-dappled room far from all the noisiest members of my family (ie: ALL of my family), the reality is that most of my best work is done between school pick-ups, late at night, or in the rare moments of quiet. It’s messy, but it works. At this time in my parenting and writing career, creativity, it turns out, is all about writing in the gaps.

The Creative Juggle: Writing in the Gaps

There’s a wonderful quote by Charlotte’s Webb author E.B. White: “A writer who waits for ideal conditions under which to work will die without putting a word on paper.” I think about this a lot. Particularly when I’m trying to squeeze in a few paragraphs while my kids are chanting about Gary the horse, or while the dog’s barking at the postman, or the washing machine is doing a cheery little jingle to tell me its finished before verbally abusing me (READ: Why my washing machine is calling me a slut. Again…).

In truth, it is always a compromise - balancing the need to create with the demands of everyday life.

But a recent study from the University of Exeter confirms that creativity and well-being are closely linked, with creative activities contributing to a greater sense of purpose and satisfaction in life. The study also highlighted the challenges of balancing creativity with the demands of work and family life - which came as a surprise to precisely no one.

The Compromise of Modern Carers

I’m lucky enough to have carved out a career that allows me some flexibility, but the compromise is still there. As much as I’d love to be a super-organised, put-together parent, the reality is that most days, I’m just trying to keep my head above water.

And still, in 2024, the juggle is gendered. A 2019 study by the Institute for Fiscal Studies revealed that women in the UK are much more likely to give up work or reduce their hours after having children. The study also highlighted the widening gender pay gap that occurs after women become mothers, a gap that many women never manage to close. And yet, we’re expected to somehow “do it all.”

I’ve been struck since moving back to the UK from Denmark how many mothers have had to give up work because they can’t afford childcare. These are bright, motivated women with so much to contribute who - crucially - didn’t choose to be full time carers. There are also many who made the decision to be full time stay at home parents, and I salute them, too. None of it is easy. But it seems mad that a large chunk of the workforce who want to work, can’t because they aren’t supported by the current system.

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In Denmark, lest I sound like a broken record, it’s a very different picture.

Parents get 52 weeks of paid parental leave to share, so fathers don’t miss out on spending time with their children. Children are guaranteed a place in high quality daycare from six months onward, 75% subsidised by the state via taxes. Around 10 months old, most mini Vikings are at vuggestue (nursery room) and 80% of mothers work.

This made the option of having a career and a family (I know! How greedy of me…) far more manageable in Denmark than it might have been had I been living in the UK.

Also: you don’t need to be a Mensa member to access it. As discussed in How to Raise a Viking, the administrative process of accessing what help there is elsewhere is arduous to say the least. Something Anna Maxwell Martin spoke movingly about on Woman’s Hour this week. But in the Nordics? It’s automatic. The system is set up to work for parents - not against them.

And for any new readers (hej!) this isn’t pure altruism: the OECD, the European Union and the World Economic Forum all encourage member nations to guarantee their workers paid parental leave and subsidised daycare because shared parental leave has been unequivocally proven to be good for economic growth. And childcare pays for itself - for every $1 invested in early childhood education, the broader economy gets at least $1.50. The Norwegian government recently valued the contribution of working mothers to the country’s GDP at £626 billion – equivalent to the value added by its oil reserves.

Half-Term Survival

So here I am, nearing the end of half-term, desperately clinging to my coffee cup and wondering how it’s possible that my children are eating their way through the fridge. Again. I’ve just about survived Halloween (long term readers will know how I feel about this particular holiday) so now I’m consumed by playdates, writing deadlines, and the nagging feeling that I should probably shower at some point.

READ: How to celebrate Halloween when you hate Halloween

But despite the madness, there’s a sense of gratitude. Gratitude that I get to do this—parenting, writing, speaking, and living a life that, while messy, is full. So here’s to all of us, finding our way through the chaos, creating in the gaps, and making it work, somehow, one day at a time.

It shouldn’t have to be this way. But while it is, we all deserve a high five and then perhaps a lie down in a darkened room. And once we’ve rested and restored (ha!) we can get back out there, fighting the good fight for meaningful change to make it easier to manage the work/life/balance we’ve all heard so much about. Or failing that, I’ll summon my Nordic parent friends to come over and set the world to rights (#Viking).

Until next time, vi ses,

Helen

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PPS: Update on the smartphone free childhood debate in the Nordics (read more on smartphone-free childhood in Scotch eggs, cycling and Danish parental leave): Norway has announced plans to increase the age limit for social-media use from 13 to 15. Prime Minister Jonas Gahr Store has vowed to intensify his campaign against tech giants "pitted against small children's brains” and will seek to protect children from the "power of algorithms." All eyes on what Norway does next…